I have extremely horrible anxiety. I cannot seem to get my point across to people. When I say “I’d rather not have contact with you” I would rather that be honored rather than questioned and then 10 text messages sent after that.
I am trying to deal with two people. I use the word deal when i feel like this. Around the end of September I left the man I was traveling the west coast with and headed back to NY where I reside. The relationship was not a good one and I no longer wished to be apart of the negative energies. I boarded a train and headed east. I took a 40 hr train ride full of old people who would place dinner reservations every evening and breakfast reservations in the morning. The train was a double decker with the bathroom on the floor below the seating area. This made it so that there were about 4 bathrooms to each car. It was lovely. The bathrooms weren’t trashed and you never had to wait to pee. I love train bathrooms because everything is labeled. Soap. Sink. Toilet. I wasn’t aware that people needed labels for such things.
The trip was long and I slept when everyone else was awake. Which proved to be difficult. I would wake up to the intercom announcing, “Shelly party of 4, you’re table is ready” and so on. Everyone in my cab was old and coughed a lot. Most of these people had probably waited their whole life to take a train trip across the entire country. Worked hard, saved for years, so that one day they could see the beauty the world had to offer. Sitting on the train during their dinner reservations, drinking wine, eating steak, and watching the scenery go by. Here I was a twenty three year old lady traveling alone with a backpack, bread, nuts, chocolate and two dollars to my name. It was lovely.
More on this another time. I got into this story because of my situation. I have met an extremely lovely humam being who I would like to spend time with. The past will not leave me alone. By the past I mean the man I left in Portland. I tried to be nice, perhaps we could be friends. No. we cannot. He is extremely clingy asks a lot of questions and makes me insane. He wishes to talk on the phone constantly and whines when I do not answer him back, Then he wonders why I do not wish to talk to him. I am going insane.
It is extremely hard to be lovely with someone when there is a fly buzzing around your head ramming itself into you and landing on your arm.
Also, I cannot stand the smokers of this household. They smoke in the kitchen which they think makes a difference and apparently do not understand that smoke travels. It seeps into the room I am in when downstairs and hovers around me because it has nowhere else to go. My hair smells of smoke! I do not smoke. This should not be. Also. I recently aquired a bedroom upstairs and the smoke travels up here as well. I need a door. It’s too cold to open the window. It is burning my eyes and drying me out. Stop killing me with your bad habit.
On a lighter note, The man I have met lives in Portland and he is lovely.